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2014

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brightlybob

Time to move on...

Posted by brightlybob Jun 24, 2014
I have some lifelong allies, they have always been my friends,

They care for me, are there for me, their help it never ends.

Whether its first thing in the morning or last thing at the night

My dear friends are always there as long as I've a light.


 

These friends are not demanding, in fact they have no needs,

They go wherever I do be it London, Bath or Leeds.

They comfort me when times are bad or whenever I am down,

They wait for me to want them there to help pull me around.


 

They celebrate the best with me, the turning points of life,

Were there when I got qualified and proposed to my wife.

My spectacular victories as my career took its shape,

Were partly due to them as they helped my nervous quake.


 

I took them on my holidays they joined me in the sun,

We all got drunk together, oh yes they joined me in my fun,

Whether highbrow charity balls or contests eating pies,

They were there helping me to see how the situation lies.


 

Then when I started lecturing the delegates knew a lot,

My friends were there to prop me up when the questioning got hot.

In social situations where I was lost on what to say,

I could use my friends, excuse myself, to get out of the way.


 

But recently I had the need to call upon the Quack,

I'd got a truly awful cough it really was a hack.

My doctor duly asked about my dearest little friends,

and then to my complete dismay he said it had to end.


 

It seems that over time my friends have been quite clingy,

Mainly around the lungs where its all gone a bit stringy.

My Doctor says its not a good thing that my friends have gone and done,

If I dont end it with them now itll be like playing with a gun.


 

So last month I spoke unto my friends now called Silk Cut Low,

And told them very clearly I was sorry they must go.

To my dismay they gave no sound, they didnt show regrets,

So I placed them in the bin MY DEAREST CIGARETTES.


 

So now I'm fit and healthy for I've given up the weed,

No standing in the freezing cold to satisfy the need.

No seeking out a brolly and huddling in the rain,

No seeking out the late night shops that really was a pain.


 

Yes life is so much better now without a single rotten ***,

My lungs can breathe, my nose can smell, now I no longer drag

My fingers don't stop moving but its my brain that is the biggie,

All it does is shout all day I NEED A BLOODY CIGGIE!


There's a thread that's attracted a lot to attention recently, namely the apparent IT glitch that means I'm suddenly the Featured Insider...

 

UM, no... Apparently that's no glitch, my bribe was accepted (amazing what you can get for a couple of Bubbly's and a 3 year old copy of the Beano). The IT  glitch relates to the fact that although I've been appointed Featured Insider for the month, bejacob remains the reassuringly familiar mugshot on the front page when viewed by the general public, before us insiders login, as pointed out in the "random question" posted by the fragrant madmax

 

Well, official Marriott enquiries have been made but no "resolution" which is not surprising, for as we know, this is no IT glitch, Marriott doesn't do IT glitches.

 

The real reason is, that I'm (shhh, keep this to yourself) the "Inisiders insider". I am the temporary leader of our secretive clan, I can only be seen once you enter your password demonstrating your Insider status, only then are you proven worthy to share the secret.

 

So that rather beggars the question, what exactly is the role of the "Insiders insider"? And how do you find me?

 

Well to find me you'll need to search the darkest corners of the Insider blogosphere, or the few threads I discern worthy of my *secret* attention. You'll be able to identify me by my brown mackintosh, sucking on a Marlboro, both hands tucked suspiciously deeply into my pockets. Don't worry about my rasping cough (it comes with the Marlboro's) or the grey cloud hanging over my head constantly drizzling onto my mac (we English proudly bring our weather wherever we travel). I'm genuinely authentic, the "real thing".


As for my role, well I harbour the deepest secrets of the Insiders. Why reduced benefits at resorts? Where did the Courtyard free cup of Joe go? Why would anyone instruct a hotel not to "overachieve"? What really happened to those EEO BOGO certs? Will Marriott ever open all lounges 7 days week? What is Courtyard for? (Ok, so I don't know the answer to the last one, nobody does, though I secretly think erc might).


So just post your questions below and let your all-knowing "Insiders insider" hack up his lungs, brush the dandruff off his soaked shoulders and make a complete stab in the dark, disguised as a real answer.

 

Enticing role eh? Who's next?

Here's a question for you.

What are your chances of early death if you're a smoker?


The answer may surprise you, for its only 50%.

That is to say only 50% of all smokers die from a smoking related disease, or to put it another way, half of all smokers are NOT killed by their habit.

This is one of life's miscommunications, the health lobby has been telling us for years that smoking is unhealthy and it kills, both of which are true, however the effect is not felt by all smokers. BUT they don't tell us that, instead the message is deliberately left to be misconstrued, that each cigarette is literally a coffin nail, hastening your death as surely as a hot curry hastens an urgent sitting on the porcelain throne.

But, if you are a smoker it need not be that bad, or good, depending upon the next piece of data. You see if a smokers close relative having been a smoker themselves succumbs to a smoking related death then the surviving relatives chance of following the bloodline apparently doubles. Since the overall chances of dying of a smoking related illness are 50%, for those whose relatives lived till they were 80 or 90 then went peacefully in their sleep despite assaulting their lungs with 60 Marlboro's each day, well the lucky recipient of those genes must have a far less than 50% chance of dying due to their habit, their chances may halve, so that's only a 25% risk, the kind of risk many may deem reasonable for their daily gaspers.

But what of those whose close relatives have succumbed.... Oooeerr!

Or should that be YIPPEEE!!!

You see, take my situation, my father was an inveterate lifelong smoker and died of lung cancer at 62. As I am following in his footsteps in my lifestyle choice (smoking), this doubles my chances of following in his footsteps at death.

So far, so logical... FANTASTIC!

I am INDESTRUCTIBLE!!

Allow me to elucidate. My chances of dying of a smoking disease were 50%, until my Dad died when they doubled... so that's from 50% to 100% The chances of death are the same for me as for every carbon based lifeform, 100%. AND as they can't go any higher I must be immune for every other way of dying.

It also means I know HOW I am going to die, not in a car accident, no matter how fast I drive, not in a plane accident, even if I decide to fly Zimbabwe airlines (or even Aeroflot). Nope, I'm going to die of a smoking related disease... Its a 100% certainty!!!

I have achieved something very rare in this life, immunity from death by any sort of natural, human or unnatural means. I can drive a car off beachy head and I will survive . I can hunt down every world terrorist wearing a suicide bomb each time and survive every blast! I can go Bungee jumping knowing It can't possibly kill me (I needn't even bother with the uncomfortable Bungee rope). I can go skiing down the most suicidally exciting slopes. Heck I could even read Cherie Blairs latest tome in the full knowledge I will live to tell the tale.

I could chat up Jennifer Lopez, feel up Pamela Anderson and knock up Angelina Jolie without the slightest fear of retaliation for I AM the nearest thing to INVINCIBLE.


So on this basis considering how lucky I am, why the hell have I quit smoking, and am currently chewing my feet off?

(Help)


 

 

 

brightlybob

First Blab

Posted by brightlybob Jun 6, 2014

WooHoo an opportunity to write about stuff.


On interwebthingy too, so everyone can read about it.


This is a good thing as I have lots of thoughts in my head and nowhere to put them, so maybe if I put them in this blog they'll go out of my head.


And into yours dear reader... Mmmmm


Perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead.